Why?
Forewarning A TMI post:
In spirit and in work have been under a BLOCK and a nagging ‘why?’
Why do I paint? Not in a pity party, just as a reality check, of there
are soooooo many amazingly talented artist already, what I do is not needed. As
an artist, perhaps a very difficult place to be, for it is not just a mood it’s
who I am, and what I breathe in each day.
Especially in the perspective of the “God Breathed” way that I view the
world and all that I see. “Majestic Sovereignty”
is not just the name of a
painting that I have painted, its how I see.
So the why paint is a bigger question… it’s a why exist? Why be? ‘Why
try?’ Yes… simply ‘Why?’ has been nagging at me.
AM Not depressed, so don’t
worry all of you that care about me, I am ok… great faith remains, GOD remains
in control of my days, I am not going anywhere until HE says so. It’s in the
passion of an artist I guess that I speak. Yes, a discouraged one at that. Have
lifted this condition up to prayer a lot of late. Pressures of life and expenses, and having a
50 book illustration contract canceled has taken a huge toll on my today’s over
the past year and a half, and other complications that saying yes to such a
contract meant too, by the canceling of all the other things that I do to in
order to keep that yes. A schedule that
is booked over a year out, ends up un-booked.
The playing catch up for over a year now, because lost my job so to
speak, not the kind you collect unemployment for; but battling back and reminding
self that have not lost my identity…
Yet, how to fix this a constant question, and yes in it comes the ‘why
paint?’ question. Or should I paint? Give up being an artist? Dare I confess, haven’t been able to afford to
even enter exhibits or shows for over a year now. Only keep up my Oil Painters of America
membership, we will see if will enter the exhibits. A student blessed me with
art supplies. Behind/Upside down on expenses. Church helped me pay some past due
bills. Short on gas for the Tahoe, then, just ride my bike. Thank God it’s
something enjoy doing and CAN do too and am blessed to live in paradise.
Have just been keeping the faith, and keeping it all lifted up to
prayer. Trying to ‘work hard with my own hands and minding my own business’ (context
1Thess 4:11-12) as it says in Scripture.
Pressures have added I’m sure significantly to the artist’ block
plaguing my getting paintings done. A vicious cycle of which nobody sees from
the solitary artist studio. The others
though, they ask, just the same question of me, “why….____?” to an undone.
Well, think
Prayers were answered with clarification yesterday of what to do next. No, I have not become independently wealthy
over night, and no new 50 book contract showed up at my door…
Simply, received a Thank You note in the mail yesterday for the last
painting I painted in 2012. A portrait
of a loved family member that nobody asked for just did. It and the thank you
card, answered the “why?” tenfold.
Yes, Prayers were answered yesterday. Sadly, They came from a tragedy:
Very excited, JUST picked up my car from the shop after repaired, a
women had ran a stop sign into me, been a few weeks waiting for my car
back. Just picked up a new license all
just before Christmas, my Christmas present came early. Received a phone call as was just driving off
filled with Joy, thinking Merry Christmas thoughts. All I could do was pull my car over to the
side of the road and say ‘what?’ In disbelief of what had just been told. As the updates came, only further shock and
disbelief pursued. On the other end hear
them say “Murder…suicide”. My reply, ‘What? !!! No! No can’t be!”
Silence, anguish, tear, and yes, looking up murmur ‘what is a good
here?’ For sincerely believe the most
beautiful inside and out member of our entire family had just been senselessly
murdered. A women who’s two favorite words were “forgive” and “hug” I hear myself say, ‘Beautiful Patty, no, not
beautiful Patty.’ Then the next thought, oh her poor mom. This is no way for her to lose her youngest
child, after losing her husband just over a year before. No one should lose a child. All I could think is have to do something for
her, anything. With a strange peace was prompted, and knew, had to give to
Patty’s mom, Patty’s beautiful smile back.
In this horrible time of grief, had to ask her siblings if they thought
ok and if they had images of her to work from that they knew their mom loved,
better than the pictures that I had. It was the least that I could do, to
reflect her beauty… and share it. Their
answer was yes.
Received this news four days before Christmas that Patty was gone in a
horrific way. Her funeral would be 2 days after Christmas. I would give the painting wrapped to her mom
then, after the service. Prayerfully giving
to her, Patty’s smile.
This time handicapped in numb, tears, shock,
A peace and absolute will, and must do… pricked every core of my
being. At this time, visualized for the
first time, what grief looked like, to paint what brought tears when looked
upon.
God, sincerely interceding peace:
I now know what peace beyond understanding looks like too.
Taking the time pressure off of getting done by the funeral, her sister
sent a note sharing that Patty’s birthday Jan. 13th would also be a
good day to give the gift to their mom if that helped. Relieved with that bit
of news, simply prepared to paint in 3 days what usually request 4 weeks
minimum to do… heart knew wanted her mom to have her babies smile back at the
funeral.
God works in mysterious ways, as to why was compelled to paint and all…
for a day later received more news of the details. One is gruesome… precious
Patty was shot in the face. I now know
exactly why God pricked my conscious to paint her beautiful smile to give to
her mom, and there is more… a note from
another sibling sharing the pixels in the photos were not enlarging very well,
and asked if the painting could be placed on an easel in the front of the
chapel for her service. Because making it similar in size to a painting the
family already owned, it was not large, but I had a beautiful classic gold
frame could put it in that would make it lovely on the easel in the chapel.
Replied yes, it will be done. Peace of
God in the reply.
Literally stayed up with all nighters for three days. As painting the final details… kept praying
that God simply reflect her light please in these last strokes. The ‘light bulbs’ as call them to students in
the final stages of a painting… took on a whole new perspective as watched
Patty be formed on the canvas. She
always was an inspiration and source of light to all …an extremely beautiful
person inside and out- An encourager. A still
small voice whispered God’s peace, literally blanketing me and my work, and the
TRUTH whispered, “She is home, at peace, shining brighter than ever before –
all is well.”
We were leaving for the funeral at 8am… put
painting wet, into a frame at 6:30am
Only pictures of the painting, taken with my camera phone… not the
best. This painting was not meant for
anything but to give a mother her daughters beautiful smile back.
Received the thank you card yesterday… This in
part: “…you did capture ‘Our Patty’ and she deserves to be framed in gold…. She
hangs in the kitchen nook area where she can be part of the family gatherings
and mom’s everyday life. We are all
still in shock and do not know why we did not see this coming. …She truly had a kind and loving heart and
always had time to listen. There is a
whole in each of our hearts that will remain always open, unable to heal… she
sends hugs and kisses and would say- ‘my sweets, I’m happy and at home’ …xxoo …The
Hitt family.”
This tragedy remembered shouted out:
THIS… is why I paint.
It’s the gift given and meant to share forward.
We all have at least one.
If we allow it to be buried in the weeds of
life, then the enemy wins.
Work through
the tears. Press on.
‘Press on to take
hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of you for’ (
Phil 3:13-16)
Thank you GOD, that by your
grace we all are able to apply your gifts and your talents given, in a manner
that they may multiply tenfold for Your Honor and Glory. Patty’s two favorite
words, ‘forgive’, and ‘hug’. May they be
continually applied. The families wish
in lieu of flowers that donations be made to: SafeHouseofSeminole.org
in her name.
Patty Diane Hitt
January 13, 1957 – December 19, 2012
“Pats”
